Look Not Behind Thee

I've been told there is something renewing and atoning when a new year begins. It's suppose to feel like another chance at life and you want to make sure you start off right.

For some reason, I didn't feel this way. New Years' Day felt like any other day for me and I welcomed the new year somewhat disappointed at myself for not feeling exuberant about 2020. Perhaps it was because I didn't achieve as much as I would have liked. The disappointed in my own failures of not being physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually where I want to be weighed me down. Although I am always grateful for the goodness in my life; my family, friends, career and faith. I also have to be honest and admit there are so many other things I must overcome. And since new years' day, I have been feeling like this; weighed down by thoughts of should've, would've, could've.

There are special moments in my life that have been a real testament of Heavenly Father's love and awareness of me. It sounds quite selfish to think that he would make a special effort to work on me but I know Heavenly Father reaches out to ALL his children in very special and unique ways. So this morning sitting through sacrament meeting, I felt like he was reaching out to me very quietly just so that I can listen a little bit harder.

As I listened, I began to hear not with my ears but with my heart. My mind drifted to the new children and youth program and the requirements for each child and youth to set goals with their families. It seems so cliche to start the new year with new goals but just thinking about how I could make my life better gave me an immense sense of hope. Despite my initial 'no care' attitude towards the new year, I suddenly felt awakened.

I was immediately inspired  to google 'new year lds talks' and that initial search eventually led me to this talk by Jeffrey R. Holland:
https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/remember-lots-wife/

If you went through the talk already, then you would know exactly how I am feeling at this stage.
The part that really spoke to me was when Holland recalls the story of Lot and his family. After the Lord commands them to flee from the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah as they were about to be destroyed, the Lord admonishes"Escape for thy life...look not behind thee...escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed." Holland continues to remind us that the the Lord's warning seemed so loud and clear but for Lot's wife her heart was still set on things that were left behind; trapped in the past. She 'looked back' and in doing so, she turned into a pillar of salt. 

Within that moment, I too felt like Lot's wife; looking back at my failed goals, consumed with resentments and disappointments of the year. But in His quiet way, Heavenly Father was reminding me to 'look ahead'. So today I endeavoured to do just that, this year I am looking up and I am looking ahead. I love what Holland shares:
"You can remember just enough to avoid repeating the mistake, but then put the rest of it all on the dung heap.." (A dung heap is a mound of animal droppings LOL)

I am grateful for Heavenly Father's timing in all things. Even after 31 years as a member of the Church, I am still learning what it truly means to trust in the Lord with all my heart, mind and soul. Now that I am finally feeling the excitement and joy of a new year, I can't wait to share this journey with those I love the most.